4751

4.751 is a long number,
it is many days of laughter
and more days of tears.

It is an achievement,
sometimes celebrated by grandeur---but
you don't just run out and marry
your friends

It is a number stumbled on in childhood--
pre-adolescent, bag lunch
in the library or behind the school

It is a number clung to as umbrellas,
the storm of hormones and
girlfriends and
pomegranates
in regroup some years later.
It whispers, "everything will be all right."

In the night,
"everything will be all right."

I remember we said now,
we wished we could go
back and tell those girls
tell those girls
"you'll get laid"
"you'll be somebody, someday."

yeah, someday.

4,751 is a long number.
An unexpected frame of mind,
thirteen years a slice of time--
a big one.

It is an exhaustion number.
It's a bleeding number.
It's a shut-the-door-before-you-could-get-the-last-word number.
It's a selfish number, an adult number,
a no-holds-barred-fuck-you-I'm-tired number.

4.751 is four days past the storm and
five past the battle cry.

It was a silent war,
in respect to tongue-holding and
held back tears.

It's an Indian number in the land of cowboys bangbangbang.

Bang.

It's a hollow shout,
a burn out,
an end.