un grande mur

A part of me still misses your stupid face
the same part that misses the whistle
spouting from your lips two a.m. Wednesdays
"are you coming home tonight"
a question prefaced but you always knew the answer
was yes
the same part that misses your morning smile
accompanied by too weak coffee
"when will you learn to use the french press"
a question prefaced but I always knew the answer
was never
the same part that misses the plane rides to my home
the car rides down to Oregon
"didnt your parents tell you not to"
a question prefaced but we always knew the answer
was I don't care

A part of me still wonders what would've happened
if you hadn't left for the frozen north
if he hadn't tried to cheer me up with a date
if you had just listened for once
if I had followed promises through
I remember how light that ring was even now
I still feel its phantom weight pressing
as if waiting for the return of a commitment
we couldn't commit to anyway

A great part of me died by your hand
brick by brick I am filling that hole
with pieces of other men and my own spite
Even when its finished I will leave a flaw
just broad enough for you to break down
should you ever decide to return my last call
"i can't leave it like this,
it's not right"